In short
Dr Tej Samani’s advice is that a teenager who shuts down about school is usually struggling with how they feel, not what they can do. Parents should first make them feel safe to talk: listen before offering solutions, keep a curious tone, choose calm moments, break tasks into small goals, praise effort and prioritise wellbeing.
Key takeaways
- Teen silence about school usually reflects feelings like anxiety or fear of disappointing you, not indifference.
- Connect in pressure-free moments, such as cooking or driving, and avoid opening with “How’s revision going?”
- Swap “You need to start revising” for “Would it help if we looked at a plan together?”
- Avoid school talk late at night; step back and return later if emotions rise.
- Praise effort over outcome, and consider a teacher, counsellor or coach if stress continues.
Welcome to Dear Dr Tej*, a space for parents to ask honest questions about their child’s education and wellbeing. Each week, we share answers from Performance Learning founder Dr Tej Samani to help families navigate the emotional ups and downs of school life with calm, clarity and confidence. You can ask Dr Tej a question of your own at the bottom of this page.*
Dear Dr Tej,
My 15-year-old used to tell me everything. But lately, every time I ask about school, it causes conflict. They either grunt, roll their eyes, get upset or disappear to their room. I know exams are on the horizon, and I just want to help, but I feel completely shut out. I’m worried they’re falling behind – but I really don’t want to make things worse by nagging. How can I get through to them without pushing them further away?
– Concerned Parent
Dr Tej says:
I’m so sorry to hear that you feel completely shut off from your child. One of the biggest challenges a lot of parents face is watching a once chatty child go into their shell. It’s an especially big problem when you know they’re under pressure at school.
Many parents feel exactly as you do: frustrated, helpless and anxious about what’s really going on. The truth is, though, when teens start shutting down about school, it’s usually about how they’re feeling, rather than their capabilities.
When academic stress builds up, students often struggle to put their emotions into words. They’re also at risk of academic burnout – and you can read our guide about that here.
For a lot of children – and probably yours – silence feels safer than admitting they’re overwhelmed. That’s why the first step isn’t to get them talking about grades, but to make them feel safe enough to talk at all.
Here’s how I’d tackle this problem in 7 simple steps…
Step 1: Listen before you present ‘solutions’
When your child seems distant, the instinct is to jump in with solutions. But often, what they need first is space. Try small, pressure-free moments of connection: chatting while cooking dinner, walking the dog or driving somewhere together. Avoid opening with “How’s revision going?” Instead, ask about their day in general or mention something non-academic.
Once they start opening up, resist the urge to fix everything straight away. Sometimes, just being heard is enough to help them exhale. Let them see you as a calm space rather than another source of pressure.
Step 2: Work to understand what’s underneath the silence
It’s easy to assume that your teen’s silence means that don’t care. It’s a trope that’s been perpetuated about youngsters for decades – but it’s far from the truth.
Often, silence hides anxiety, exhaustion or fear of disappointing you… and themselves. Exam stress can make even the most capable students feel paralysed, and that debilitating fear of failure can quickly turn into avoidance.
Your next step is to ask gentle, open-ended questions that show empathy, not judgement. Instead of “Why haven’t you started revising?” try “Is there anything about revision that’s feeling hard right now?” This helps them reflect on what’s blocking their progress without feeling attacked.
Step 3: Keep your tone curious, not critical
Your tone can completely change how your child receives your words. A curious tone invites conversation, whilst a critical one closes it off. Swapping phrases like “You need to start revising” for “Would it help if we looked at a plan together?” shows you’re offering support, not control.
Teenagers often interpret parental concern as pressure, even when that’s not your intention. By focusing on curiosity and collaboration, you’re actively showing them that you’re on their side.
Step 4: Create calm before conversations
Timing is everything with these difficult conversations. Avoid talking about school late at night or when they’ve just come in from a long day. Wait for a calm, neutral moment instead. A relaxed environment will help them stay open and less defensive.
If emotions start to rise, step back and suggest coming back to the conversation later – and reassure them that there is no pressure. This models emotional regulation and shows that difficult topics don’t have to turn into moments of conflict
Step 5: Help them rebuild structure and focus
Once your child feels heard, you can start helping them find a rhythm again. Teens who feel overwhelmed often don’t know where to start. So, I recommend breaking tasks into small, achievable chunks. Suggest setting one or two realistic goals for the week, rather than overloading them with expectations.
This is where exam coaching can make a big difference, too. Coaches like myself help students understand how they work best. We turn vague stress into concrete plans. Coaching gives them tools to manage time, focus and energy in a way that feels personal and achievable. It also removes tension from the parent–child relationship, as you’re no longer the one having to chase or motivate them.
Step 6: Focus on effort, not outcome
Praise progress, not perfection. Notice when your child sits down to study or when they manage their time well, even if the results aren’t perfect yet. This helps them associate learning with growth, not guilt.
Teens crave autonomy, so show faith in their ability to get back on track. When they feel trusted, they’re more likely to take ownership of their work and start opening up again.
Step 7: Make wellbeing the priority
No amount of study can make up for burnout. Encourage breaks, good sleep and meals away from screens. Suggest physical activity, even a short walk, to help regulate mood and energy. When they feel more balanced, conversations about school tend to flow more naturally.
If you notice signs of ongoing stress (such as feeling poorly, irritability, avoidance or isolation) don’t be afraid to suggest talking to someone outside the family. Sometimes, hearing guidance from a teacher, counsellor or coach feels easier than from a parent.
Do you have a question about your child’s education and/or wellbeing for Dr Tej? Submit it here and we’ll endeavour to answer in a future blog post.
Frequently asked questions
Why does my teenager shut down when I ask about school?
Dr Tej Samani explains that when teens shut down about school, it is usually about how they are feeling rather than their capabilities. Silence often hides anxiety, exhaustion or fear of disappointing you and themselves. When academic stress builds, students struggle to put emotions into words, and silence can feel safer than admitting they are overwhelmed. The first step is to make them feel safe enough to talk at all.
How do I get my teenager to talk about school without arguing?
Dr Tej suggests starting with small, pressure-free moments of connection, like chatting while cooking, walking the dog or driving somewhere together. Ask about their day in general rather than revision. Use gentle, open questions, such as “Is there anything about revision that’s feeling hard right now?”, and keep your tone curious rather than critical. Choose calm, neutral moments, and step back if emotions rise.
How can I help my teen get back on track with revision?
Once your child feels heard, help them rebuild structure. Dr Tej recommends breaking tasks into small, achievable chunks and setting one or two realistic goals for the week. Praise progress rather than perfection, and show faith in their ability, because teens who feel trusted are more likely to take ownership. Exam coaching can also turn vague stress into concrete plans and ease tension between parent and child.
When should I get outside help for my teenager’s school stress?
If you notice signs of ongoing stress, such as feeling poorly, irritability, avoidance or isolation, Dr Tej advises not being afraid to suggest talking to someone outside the family. Sometimes guidance from a teacher, counsellor or coach feels easier to hear than advice from a parent. Meanwhile, make wellbeing the priority by encouraging breaks, good sleep, meals away from screens and physical activity.
Ask Dr Tej a question
Have a question about your child's learning, motivation or wellbeing? Email uk@myperformancelearning.com with "Dear Dr Tej" in the subject line. We may answer it, anonymously, in a future column.
Not sure what's holding your child back?
The Foresight assessment takes about 25 minutes online and shows how your child learns, what gets in the way and what to do next, with action plans for them and for you. £50.
